Back in late 2008 one of the theatre staff I worked with at a private hospital on the Gold Coast discovered I was an aspiring writer. It turned out he was an aspiring film director and was looking for someone to write a short film script for him. He had the basic idea of four guys sitting in a car, who were just about to go in and rob a bank. From no more than that basic idea I came up with the following script about a week later.
The guys earmarked for the parts were all theatre staff too, and all apparently liked the script. I have no idea if they have ever managed to make the film, as I no longer work there and have lost touch with those involved.
***** PLEASE BE AWARE THIS SCRIPT CONTAINS A LOT OF SWEARING *****
Original story/screenplay by Lee Duke
Based on the setting of four men in a car about to rob a bank by Tim Walsh.
A large family car pulls into a parallel parking spot in a typical Australian High Street. Inside the car are three men dressed similarly in jeans with black ‘T’ shirts. Two men occupy the front two seats with the third sitting behind the driver.
Driver. Here we go then perfect bit of parking, ready for the perfect getaway.
Rear Passenger. Perfect parking! You’ve got your arse end sticking out and you’re parked too close to the car in front to be able to pull out. You dickhead.
Driver. What I meant was, it’s the perfect place to park, ready for the getaway. I was going to adjust the position once you lot had left to do the job. That way the engine would still be running and I’d be ready to go.
Rear Passenger. What you meant was, you’re a fucking dickhead and we should have got someone else to drive the getaway vehicle.
Front Passenger (Calmly). Okay, okay settle down you two, don’t start drawing fucking attention to your fucking selves. We’ve got a fucking job to fucking do so let’s start acting like fucking professionals shall we?
Rear Passenger. What him professional, my Granny’s a more professional driver than him … he’s a fucking dickhead.
Driver. Yeah and what are you other than a bleeding’ computer nerd who thinks he’s Captain Kirk.
Action: The driver makes a point of looking in the rear view mirror as he jokingly pretends to flip a communicator.
Driver (Mockingly). Ooer! I’ve got problems with Klingons, beam me up Scotty.
The rear passenger swats the back of the drivers head forcefully.
Driver (Rubbing head). Ow! That fucking hurt, that did.
Rear Passenger. Yeah! Any more lip from you dickhead and you’ll be dealing with Klingons, with my boot stuck up your arse.
Front Passenger (agitated). HAVE YOU TWO QUITE FUCKING FINISHED! …. Look in case you fucking forgot, we are about to rob a fucking bank, and you two are acting like a couple of fucking three year olds. Johno, will you kindly stop fucking hitting Col’ in the back of the fucking head and getting him fucking upset, as I for one would quite like him to still be fucking here when we come out of the fucking bank with all the fucking money….. The idea of lining up and waiting for the fucking bus with a bagful of stolen fucking loot and the cops on the way, really doesn’t fucking appeal to me. ALRIGHT!
Rear Passenger John (Apologetically). Sorry Jeff.
Front Passenger Jeff (In controlled anger). I’m not the one you should be fucking apologizing to, I’m not the one you fucking hit, and I’m not the one who’s driving the fucking getaway car.
Action, the front and rear passengers exchange looks before the rear passenger, John says…
John (begrudgingly). Sorry Col’ mate.
Jeff (Positively). That’s fucking better, and what do you say Col’?
Colin (Dogmatically). It’s sorry Mr.Green.
John & Jeff (Exasperatedly). WHAT!!
Colin (Pointedly). Its Mr. Green…, we agreed no real names were to be used, like in “Reservoir Dogs”.
Jeff (Through gritted teeth). The fucking colors were for those of us that will be going into the fucking bank. As you may recall Col’, you are staying in the fucking car with the fucking engine running for the quick fucking getaway.
John (Sarcastically). Yeah and if you were to have a color it’d be PINK you fucking poofter.
Action. John in the rear seat hits Colin the driver around the head again.
Jeff (Angrily looking at John in the rear of the vehicle). WILL YOU STOP FUCKING HITTING THE FUCKING GETAWAY DRIVER.
Action. Colin then obviously upset starts to try to leave the vehicle, but is quickly held in check by Jeff.
Jeff (Calmly). Okay okay everybody calm the fuck down.
Colin (Almost in tears). It’s not fair you lot always pick on me, and I’ve had enough, I’m not taking it any more.
Action John in the back throws his hands up, and shakes his head in bewilderment.
Jeff (Calmly). Come on now, everyone just calm the fuck down and take a fucking moment here. Now inside that fucking bank is a fucking security screen and a fucking alarm system that Johno has fixed so it doesn’t fucking work. All we have to do is walk in and look fucking mean and tough and ask for the fucking staff to hand over the fucking money, and the fucking bank’s policy is for the fucking staff to do as we fucking say and hand the fucking money over. The delightful fucking Bobbie the bank clerk, has fucking fixed it so that all the fucking cash drawers are full of fucking money because they are expecting some large fucking cash withdrawals today. Now we fucking know all this because fucking Bobbie is working for us, and has tipped us off. So as long as we don’t fuck it up by doing anything fucking stupid we are going to be fucking laughing in a few fucking minutes. Alright!
Action. Everyone calms down and silence prevails for fifteen seconds, then Colin lets rip with an almighty fart. Three seconds later the others smell the effect.
John (Loudly). Oh my god, did something crawl up your arse and die?
Jeff (Wincing). Colin! That really is so fucking bad, wind the fucking windows down.
Action. The three men quickly wind all the windows down and two are leaning their heads out of the window as the kerb side passenger door is opened and Brendon gets into the car.
Brendon (Jovially). Yo! Boys! How’s it going?
Action. Both Jeff and Colin give per functionary waves acknowledging Brendon’s arrival. Colin turns back and gives him a nervous half smile as he wipes the tears from his eyes with a scrawny paper tissue. Brendon makes a point of sniffing the air.
Brendon (Jovially). Oh no! I’d know that smell anywhere, …. Col’ you been dropping your guts again.
Jeff (Disgruntled). Yes he fucking well has.
Brendon (Laughing and sniffing the air as if to judge to lingering smell). Good one mate, worth bottling that is, …. I’d say about a nine for pungency and by the look on Johno’s face it’s got some longevity in it too.
Action. John begins opening the door to exit the vehicle.
John. I need some air or I’m gonna hurl.
Action. Both John and Jeff exit the vehicle
Jeff. Me too.
Action. Brendon continues laughing in the back as the two men exit the vehicle.
Brendon (Laughing). You couple of woosies.
Jeff (bemused and shaking his head). How the fuck can you stay in there with that fucking smell.
Brendon (Jokingly). After sharing a cell with him for two years, you get used to it, and to be honest mine are worse. Why do you think they never moved anyone into the 3rd bunk for more than a week with us two.
John (Sarcastically). They probably died in there with you two stinking out the place.
Action. The two men at the kerb side light up a cigarette each while waiting for the smell to dissipitate.
Colin (Agitated). Hey you pair, no smoking near the car, you’ll set my asthma off.
Action. Jeff and John exchange expressions of anger and unbelievability, then Jeff raises his hand to halt any further proceedings and tosses away his cigarette, signaling John to do like wise and to get on with the job at hand.
Jeff (Calmly). Come on we’ve got a job to do, back in the car.
Action. Both men get back into the car.
Colin (Agitatedly). You know I’m allergic to smoke, it sets my sinuses off and gives me a headache and with my asthma….
Action. John slaps Colin across the back of the head interrupting his whingeing and says.
John (Angrily). Shut the fuck up dickhead, we’ve put them out already.
Action. Brendon slaps John across the face.
Brendon (Aggressively to John). Don’t you start picking on him or I’ll sort you out.
Action (Jeff turns around in his seat and hits both Brendon and John with a rolled up newspaper then hits Colin with it too).
Jeff (through gritted teeth). Shut the fuck up and stop fucking hitting each other or I’ll sort the fucking lot of you out.
Colin (Winging). What did you hit me for, I never hit anyone.
Jeff (Angrily). I said shut the fuck up, that means no more fucking hitting and no more fucking whingeing, and no more fucking farting.
Action. Silence prevails again for a few moments.
John (Inquisitively). So Jeff you been getting your end away with this Bobbie the bank clerk to get all the info out of her.
Brendon (Jokingly). Yeah you been pumping her for information have you?
Jeff (Defensively). It’s not like that boys, Bobbie is a very reserved type of lady.
Brendon (Sarcastically). That your way of saying you aren’t getting any Jeff.
Jeff (Calmly) . Not at all, I’ve been lucky enough to get one of the best blow jobs I’ve ever received on our last encounter, and who knows after our little job this morning maybe I’ll get more tonight when we celebrate. As they say anything that’s worth waiting for…
Action. Brendon and John look at each other and exchange winks before jointly raising their hands for a high five.
Brendon and John (Boisterously). Yeeeeesssssss!, that’s what we like to hear, root her.
Colin (Pointedly). Do you realize Jeff that the only time you don’t swear is when you talk about this Bobbie the bank clerk.
Action. Brendon and John exchange glances again.
Brendon and John (Loudly). EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! Jeff’s got the hot’s for the bank clerk, Jeff’s got the hot’s for the bank clerk.
Jeff (Commandingly). Shut the fuck up.
Action. All start laughing.
Colin (Alarmed). Hey, hey look over there isn’t that Rolly’ and his crew walking into the bank.
Jeff (Angrily). Fuck it is.
John (Worriedly). What the fuck are they doing here?
Brendon (Worriedly). I’ve got a bad feeling about this boys.
Colin (Questioning). What should we do Jeff.
Jeff (Agitated). Shut the fuck up a minute and let me fucking think.
Action. A few moments pass then a tall smart gentleman in a suit approaches Jeff’s window, then opens his wallet to show his police badge. He signals for Jeff to wind his window down which Jeff does rapidly.
Police Officer (Authoratively). Sorry to bother you gentlemen, Detective Constable Thwaites, Serious Crime Squad. Can I ask you all to step out of the car please.
Jeff (Worriedly). Why what is it officer, what have we done?
Officer (Calmly). Nothing at all sir, we just need to clear the area. We believe there is a bank robbery in progress and we need to get you to safety in case the situation gets out of hand.
All (Incredulously). A bank robbery.
Officer (Losing Patience). Yes a bank robbery, now quickly please gents we need to get you out of the way before they come out.
Jeff (Hesitantly). Oh Yes, certainly officer, whatever you say, come on lads.
Colin (Casually). With you Mr. Blue.
Action. Unseen by the officer the three men look at Colin angrily, and John slaps him around the head as they are led around the edge of the nearest building and out of sight by the police officer.
Jeff (Inquisitively). So what’s happened then officer.
Officer (Obligingly). Well it’s nothing you won’t hear about on the news later. Seems one of the bank clerks started accessing client information last week and the manager tipped us off that something was going on. Then yesterday an unusually large number of these same clients contacted the bank to say they were going to withdraw large sums of cash today. When the bank manager telephoned the clients back they claimed to know nothing about the proposed withdrawals. We put two and two together and hauled the clerk in last night and sweated the details out of him. We’ve just seen the team go in, so we’ve had to clear all the civilians out of harms way as we intend to pinch them as they exit the building.
Colin (Casually). Silly bank clerk eh?
Officer (Smirking). Yeah not half, turns out he was a cross dressing transvestite looking to pay for a trip to Thailand for a gender reassignment operation. I can’t wait to interview the gang leader when we arrest them. Apparently he and young Robert or Robbie as she’s known professionally, had a bit of a thing going on.
Action. John, Colin and Brendon all look at Jeff and try to hold their laughter in check. The police officer remains unaware of the situation as he returns to peering around the corner awaiting the outcome of the robbery and talking on his walkie- talkie. Jeff points his finger angrily at the three men almost falling down trying to contain their laughter.
Jeff (Angrily in a barely contained whisper). Not a word, NOT ONE FUCKING WORD FROM ANY OF YOU.